


Dearest

by bumblebeesknees



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Episode: s03e19 Aku Cinta Kamu, Epistolary, Established Relationship, Fix-It, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 15:14:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18640675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bumblebeesknees/pseuds/bumblebeesknees
Summary: During their separation, Alec writes down the things he would tell Magnus if he could. Some time after they move in together, Magnus finds these half-finished letters.-Alec’s different. What they are – it’s different. And maybe this is what it’s like when it’s different. Maybe this is what’s been missing all this time. Why this couldn’t have happened with anyone else. It was always going to be Alec.Magnus already knows there’s no coming back from him.





	Dearest

**Author's Note:**

> hello! new episode tomorrow will render this not-canon but since canon is nonsense anyway, please enjoy reading and let me know if you do! :D
> 
> thank you to:  
> \- [partnerincrime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/partnerincrime) for the beta, live editing, excessive encouragement, and all around champion. I love you lots, and much like Alec's letters this fic would've remained unfinished and lost in the dark crevices of time (and my dropbox folder) if it wasn't for you. <3  
> \- [beatperfume](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beatperfume/pseuds/beatperfume) for, as always, helping me work through my MANY emotions about our trash show, even when the only thing i have to offer is, "i'm UPSET ABOUT THIS." you're the absolute best and I'd be lost without you. <3

_I’ve thought it through, you know. I lose you for one life and that gives you the one thing you need to want to live again. I would have to give you up for one life for you to have a shot at a hundred happy ones. Even just a single happy one. And I know you hate me right now. I know you think that I’m – that I’m weak. A weak, selfish coward. I don’t expect you to forgive me. But you gave up your magic for me, Magnus. Both times, I know. You gave up a piece of you. You gave up your happiness. How could I not do the same for you? How could I be scared to give up the same thing? How could I_

-

 

When the time comes for the two of them to officially move in together, Alec insists he doesn’t need Magnus’ help in packing up. 

“It’ll take me less than hour,” he says, voice warm but preoccupied over the phone. “Most of my stuff’s already there. I just need to clear out a couple shelves and the last of my clothes. Did you know Jace is taking bids on who gets this room next?” 

“I didn’t, but I suppose he does have something of an enterprising spirit.” 

“Is that your way of saying he’ll do anything to make a quick buck?” 

“I would _never_.” 

“Uh-huh,” says Alec, but Magnus hears the smile in his voice. It makes Magnus do the same in response, makes him wish he was there so he could kiss the joy pulling at Alec’s mouth, at the corners of his eyes. “Well, that’s a dilemma for another day. To lock down the plan for tonight – I’ll get a cab after I’m done. I should be at your place by nine, latest. And then a late dinner?” 

“ _Our_ place,” corrects Magnus, and feels the nervous, anticipatory knot in his stomach tighten helplessly when Alec huffs out a short laugh. 

As of tonight, they will completely, undeniably share the same home to come back to every night. It was Alec’s idea to get a place together, but Magnus had been the one who systematically closed the deal and gotten the paperwork filed. The leasing agreement he had gathered for Alec’s signature ended up being the most romantic thing Magnus had ever done for Alec. Magnus will never forget how Alec’s normally steady hands had been shaking when Magnus had presented the papers to him – “For your no doubt exhaustive filing system,” Magnus said – nor the wave of emotion Alec hadn’t been able to stop from overtaking his face. That complicated mix of disbelief and wonder and aching tenderness. 

The kiss that followed left Magnus’ knees weak. “You’re really serious about this,” Alec murmured, and it had only been at that moment Magnus had realized that Alec hadn’t understood that Magnus had meant it. That each and every time Magnus had said, _when are we doing this, Alexander?_ , he had meant, _I’m ready, and I want to build a life with you here._

It still never stops making Magnus feel unsteady of his feet: how being loved and wanted by Alec is unlike anything Magnus has ever experienced. That when he had said, so long ago now, that Alec was new for him – he hadn’t realized the depth of what it would mean. And if Magnus himself hadn’t known, then how can he expect Alec to understand just how much he’s changed Magnus’ life, that not only is Alec _new_ but that he is better, he is _more?_ Magnus has never been good at articulating his feelings, and feelings for Alec in particular are – they can’t adequately be expressed in words. But Magnus tries, and through these and through his actions Alec at least understands that Magnus wants to share his life with Alec as wholly as he can.

“What were you saying?” asks Magnus, clearing his throat. “Oh, yes – that’ll be a yes to the dinner, no to the cab. I’ll open up a portal to your room at the Institute in an hour.” 

“Magnus,” says Alec, exasperated, “I wasn’t asking for your opinion on that.” 

“There’s absolutely nothing you can say that will change my mind, darling.” 

“I think,” starts Alec, a familiar, obstinate tilt coming into his voice, “you’ll find–” 

Realizing the longer he lets Alec talk, the more likely it is that Alec’s stubbornness will win, Magnus brightly goes, “I love you, bye,” and disconnects their call. 

Alec will probably be grumpy about this when Magnus goes to pick him up, but that’s a problem for an hour from now. Currently, Magnus has other things to worry about. He spends the next hour in a distracted flurry, depleting a significant amount of his magic by changing the whole layout of the apartment six times before going back to what it had been when they’d decided on the place. Magnus doesn’t even know why he’s nervous when he has effectively been living with Alec for – for months. Even before putting the ugly incident with Magnus’ father to rest.

Alec is certainly not nervous based on the honest-to-God burlap sack he had brought a couple days ago holding his three favourite bows, an undetermined number of arrows, a seraph blade, a backup seraph blade, two knives, and an axe with its blade crafted out of adamas. Magnus doesn’t understand why Alec needs all of these in their heavily warded home, but he can’t deny that it had been exceptionally attractive watching Alec pull them out one by one and strategically put them in their place in what Alec has dubbed the “weapons room.” 

In the end, Magnus keeps everything exactly how it was. He’s annoyed at himself, but it’s overtaken by the flutter of hopeful, unspeakably joyous wings drumming in his chest. 

He can’t stop smiling. Nothing might be changing drastically in practical terms, but this is something that he and Alec have decided on. Consciously acted on. That’s all that’s needed to make it something special in Magnus’ mind. 

With that thought, Magnus steps through the portal to Alec’s room in the Institute. He finds the rest of Alec’s belongings packed up neatly and waiting in the corner – only a suitcase with the rest of his clothes, and a box of various books and knickknacks he’s collected over the years. Mostly presents from Isabelle and Jace and Magnus himself – and Alec sitting at the edge of his bed, rifling through a collection of papers that seem to be, charmingly, in a shoebox. 

“Hello, Alexander,” he says, taking Alec’s startled face in between his hands and bending down to place a kiss on his lips. He nods toward the shoebox on Alec’s lap. “Is that the final item?” 

“What?” asks Alec, blinking a little. It seems to require physical effort to tear his eyes away from Magnus, following Magnus’ gaze down to his lap. “Oh, no, uh – this is nothing.” He shuts the box. “Stuff I should’ve shredded or burned a long time ago that I never did.” 

“Shredded or burned?” Magnus feels his eyebrows shoot up. “That sensitive?” 

Alec barks out a laugh. 

“Like you wouldn’t believe,” he says, finally getting to his feet. He puts the box back on the shelf before smiling at Magnus and pulling him into another kiss. “Hey,” he greets. “You ready to take me home?”

Home. With _Magnus_. Even as Magnus nods, he can’t quite stop marvelling at the thought. 

With his eyes creasing in their corners, Alec says, “Perfect, let’s go.” 

-  
-

 

_It’s weird that the thought that I won’t – that I was never going to be the one you end up with, it’s almost comforting now. You’ve done this before. You’ll get over me. You’ll move on from me, like you would have always had to. But you’ve never been without your magic before. I’m sorry I didn’t understand until you said you felt empty, disconnected, that it wouldn’t ever pass. I’m sorry I kept thinking maybe with time it would hurt less. I didn’t understand that you can’t ever move on from having given up a piece of you. But I’m starting to._

-

 

Alec had asked him once why he didn’t want to move back in to his old loft. “You loved the place so much,” he said. “I just – I hate that you had to let it go in such an awful way. It was your home, Magnus.”

There are many truths Magnus had skirted around and understated during his time, but he had been wholly and completely honest when he had told Alec back then that a home wasn’t just a place, or things. This new apartment that is now _their_ home is different, yes, but it had quickly become just as warm, just as loved as the old loft that held so many of Magnus’ most cherished memories. 

The primary reason for that is that Magnus' new home had the unfair advantage of also housing Alexander, which gives Magnus something distinctly different: the feeling of not only loving his home, but being loved back by it. Now not only is there the bone deep comfort of having his magic curl around him every time he steps inside, he has Alec’s arms doing the same. His soft sheets and softer blankets always have the lingering traces of Alec’s scent. The walls in the entrance hall still have the photos of Magnus’ adventures with Catarina and Ragnor and dear Raphael, and added to them are photos of Alec, of Alec’s family, of Magnus with Alec’s family and Alec with Magnus’ and it’s perfect, it’s perfect, the tapestry of Magnus’ life made richer and fuller because of Alexander’s warmth and his affection and the kindness that is the most essential, most inextricable part of him. 

Magnus wants to hold all those things close, protect it from ever being chipped away. There are moments when Alec is doing nothing special at all, scrolling through his phone as he sits folded on the couch – that wrinkle between his eyebrows, his bare feet resting on the cushions – and just the sight of him will hit Magnus with a wave of such intense longing that he can hardly bear it. He wants to etch this vision of Alec in his mind, burn it into his bones. Make sure it never leaves him. 

Yet somehow, it’s in these same moments Magnus remembers with vivid clarity why he had once wanted to carve out and obliterate every memory of Alec from within him. 

It’s different, Magnus had told Jem once. With Alec, it’s different. Magnus hadn’t known how different it would be, how unprepared he would be for the loss. He has had homes he loved and lost before. He has had people he loved and lost before. He has dealt with more grief than any living person should have to, more grief than his heart and body was made to endure. 

With Alec, it’s different. 

When he lays Magnus out on their bed the night they get back from Edom – it’s different. There’s a desperation, a reverence with which Alec presses those slow, lingering kisses over every inch of him. Magnus’ mouth, his eyes, his chest. The jut of his ankle and the soft skin of his stomach, the curve of his neck. Like Alec never thought he’d have this again. Like he’s making sure this isn’t a dream and can only ground himself through touch. Magnus feels undone, made whole by the careful, burning attention of Alec's hands. Magnus can't describe it. Lovers have taken him like an animal before, they've made sweet, decadent love before, they've done everything in between. But it’s never been like this. Never.

The warm summer night that Alec gets down on one knee to offer his family ring to Magnus, hope and trepidation warring in his gaze but not as strong as his fierce resolve, his determination – that is different. Magnus has no words, nothing that is adequate and worthy of Alec when Alec hoarsely says, “I love you. I love you. You’re my home, my happiness. You’re my world, Magnus. And I don’t know how the future looks, but I know how I want it to. I want mine to be with you, making a life with you. Trying to make that life as happy as you’ve made mine.” There are no words that are adequate when Alec says, “Magnus, will you marry me?” Nothing except for a choked off, “Yes. _Yes,_ Alexander. Of course I’ll marry you.” 

Offers come for Alec to go to Alicante that he continues to turn down. Offers for secondments to Institutes of other cities, to help mend fences and establish new governance. Alec keeps turning down all of them. Nothing in Alicante, nothing that’ll have him away for more than a handful of weeks. Nothing where Magnus can’t visit whenever he wants, nothing where he can’t come home in the weekends. He doesn’t even try talk to Magnus about it. 

“I can come with you for some of these,” Magnus tells him, because he can never not encourage Alec to reach for more, reach for better. “You don’t have to give these things up for me.” 

“We already had this conversation,” says Alec, and he sounds completely at peace. But Magnus still wants to say, _we were finding our feet back then. I’ll miss you, but I’m not afraid about what it’ll mean for us if you go. You took my name. You gave me yours. With you it’s always been different but now – but now I know that I don’t have to be afraid of the same things I was with everyone else. Not when you’re different. Not when I’m different, because of you. I want to push you forward, not keep you stagnant._ But Alec– 

“I’m not giving anything up,” Alec says. “Being with you is what I want. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted like this. As long as you want me, I’m going to be right here.”

“Of course I want you here,” says Magnus, helpless because there’s nothing else to say. Alec is open to Magnus, open to change and suggestion, but there is a stubbornness to him when it comes to certain things. When it comes to their relationship. _I promise to always put you first,_ Alec had said, sliding that beloved ring up Magnus’ fourth finger. _You’re my family._

There are certain things that Alec just – he just doesn’t prioritize in the way that Magnus would expect of someone with Alec’s skill and title and background to do. But it’s exactly what he’s come to expect of Alec’s heart. Magnus has not had anything like this before. Alec’s different. What they are – it’s different. And maybe this is what it’s like when it’s different. Maybe this is what’s been missing all this time. Why this couldn’t have happened with anyone else. 

It was always going to be Alec.

Magnus already knows there’s no coming back from him.

-  
-

 

_I know your life’s been harder because of me, that you’ve lost so many things because of me. You’ve given up dreams for me. I’ve held you back. But I’m selfish. For every hardship I brought for you, you’ve made mine better. You’ve been nothing but good to me, good for me. So I held on and kept asking, kept taking, kept wanting. Even when you should’ve said no. Even when you did. I couldn’t breathe before I met you, Magnus and I don’t know how I did it. I don’t – I don’t know how. I’m not dealing with it well. It’s not what I wanted. It’s not how I wanted my life to go. Not after I met you. Not after I knew what it was like to look forward to each day and I don’t know if I_

-

 

Isabelle had dropped off a load of Alec’s things that Alec insists he’s going to get sorted out. Initially Alec had just wanted to throw away the whole thing and Magnus regrets convincing him otherwise. “I’ll look at it in the weekend,” Alec had promised a month ago, and the two ugly cardboard boxes have just been sitting in the corner of their living room ever since. There are few things about Alec that Magnus truly finds annoying, and this endless procrastination when it comes to non-urgent matters is one of them. 

_I can’t take this anymore,_ Magnus texts Alec when he has had enough. _I’m going to rifle through your box and make executive decisions. If I think anything in there belongs in the trash it’s getting thrown out and you’re NEVER going to see it again_

 _Okay, thank u,_ Alec immediately replies back. Unbelievable.

After delaying this for so long though, Magnus is determined to salvage something of value in there. And success ends up being easy as he stumbles almost immediately into unexpected treasures from when Alec was young: notebooks containing Alec’s lessons from school in messy writing, a plain black pencil case with a geometry set inside of it. A couple of bizarre board games that the Lightwoods must have played as children. Then from when he must have been older: books on managing people and self-improvement. His old cellphone and charger. A wall clock he recognizes from Alec’s room at the Institute that’s objectively hideous but Magnus can immediately tell why Alec would have been taken with it.

By the time Magnus gets to the shoebox, the pile of things he’s going to make Alec keep is about the same as the pile he’s going to throw out. He opens the lid and frowns at the mismatched collection of papers – but almost immediately he snaps the box back shut, shoving it away from him.

Magnus’ heart is pounding. He’d only seen a glimpse of the words for an instant, but it had been enough to sear itself permanently in his memory.

 _hurt you. I’m going to have to_  
_promise to keep. I love you, Magnus. And I’m sorry. I’m so_  
_what it was like to be happy before I_

Magnus - Magnus has seen this box before, he suddenly remembers. Alec was looking through these. His last night at the Institute, when Magnus had come to pick him up. 

“That sensitive?” Magnus had asked, and now, almost two years later, and the strange, startled way Alec had laughed finally has context. Even an idiot would be able to figure out that Magnus isn’t supposed to see this. 

“I should’ve burned these a long time ago,” Alec had said. “Never did.”

You’re better than this, Magnus tells himself, but as soon as he thinks it, he sees the words burnt in his mind’s eye: _I love you, Magnus. And I’m sorry._

Magnus was meant to know about it, but he never did. Magnus wasn't supposed to see it, but he did. Whatever else is in that box, that first page – that was supposed to be for Magnus. This is something Alec had, at one point, wanted him to know. 

Very slowly, Magnus pulls the page back out.

It’s Alec’s familiar scrawl. Messier, not sticking in between the ruled lines of the sheet. The writing takes up less than half the page, clearly ripped out of one of the Institute’s supply of notepads. 

_I’m sorry I hurt you,_ Alec writes. _I’m going to have to live with that for the rest of my life. I promise you that I’m never going to let myself forget it. I’m never going to stop loving you, so it’ll be an easy promise to keep. I love you, Magnus. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You’ve given me everything. I didn’t know what it was like to be happy before I met you. You saved my life that day you came to that wedding, Magnus. You saved my life, and I don’t know how I can_

 _But this isn’t about me,_ Alec continues on the next line, seemingly a new thought. And yet Magnus knows, he knows with unerring certainty how that previous sentence would have ended, what Alec couldn’t bring himself to write. _I just have to keep reminding myself about that. This wasn’t about me. This wasn’t even about what I am to you. This was about something more important than that. It was about you, and getting you back everything you gave up for m–_

The paper bursts into blue flames in Magnus’ hand.

-

 

There's a moment that’s burned in Magnus’ mind: a tableau of Alec kneeling in the heart of Edom, staring up at Magnus with the kind of naked desperation that can make even a demon’s blood grow cold. Weeping without an ounce of pride. Begging. You’re the love of my life, Magnus. I would’ve done anything for you. You know me. You know the kind of man I am. And I’m telling you – it killed me to have made that deal with your father. Killed me to walk away from you. I just wanted you to keep living. To want to keep living. Please, please believe me. 

I love you, Magnus. I love you. Come back with me. Come back home. 

It’s a memory that Magnus frequently tries to outrun, even now. It’s the kind of experience that lingers, etches itself into bones. But the more he runs the more worn those paths become, and the easier it gets for the moment to continue chasing at his heels. It’s the lowest Magnus had ever fallen – low enough to have ended up in his father’s realm. To think he had been convinced that that hell would be the only home he’d know. 

Gazing down at the thoughts Alec had transcribed on these stray papers – his letters barely legible in his haste – it’s as though Magnus had only ever known that night in blacks and whites and now it’s in technicolour, so vivid that it hurts to look at them. Makes him want to turn away from the force of it, take away the source of the hot pinpricks behind his eyes.

To think he had ever understood the reason Alexander had said what he did when he left Magnus that night. I didn’t realize that spark inside of you was gone for good, Alec had said. Magnus marvels, in as distant of a manner as it'is possible to do such a thing, at how masterfully Alec had crafted their separation. How he barely even lied. I can’t stand by and watch you suffer for the rest of our lives, Alec had said. You said I couldn’t do anything to fix it. You said you’d never be happy again.

How Alec had framed it as his own shortcomings, his own inability to bear it. He had been sure that Magnus would think him selfish, weak, make it easy to be angry, make it right to feel betrayed. 

“You can’t do this again,” Magnus told him, after. After he had come home with Alec, to Alec, and had realized that this might not be an outlier. With Alec, things like this was more likely to be the norm. “You can’t make these decisions as though not having you in my life is an acceptable outcome, that I’ll get over it one day. It’s not. And I won’t. I won’t, Alexander.”

“Okay,” Alec had said, and Magnus had almost let himself get swept away by the tenderness in the kiss Alec pressed to his mouth.

Almost.

“Alexander, promise me,” Magnus demanded. Pleaded. And Alec– 

“I can’t promise not to put you first.” 

He said that in the same way he had said, Magnus, I love you, that first time. Brows drawn and eyes bright, shoulders wound tight with tension. How he had said, there’s nothing ugly about you. I can’t live without you. Later, it’s going to be what Alec promises him during their wedding vows. “You can’t ask me that, Magnus.”

How had Magnus responded to that? “You should have told me,” he remembers saying. He remembers being consumed by sorrow, and a terrible anger because it could’ve been avoided, none of this would’ve happened if only Alexander– 

“If I told you you wouldn’t have had a choice,” Alec said, all of him tensed for a fight. Not to attack, but to defend. “He wouldn’t have given back what he took.”

“Then you – you should’ve – you should’ve trusted me to choose you.”

“ _Choose me?_ You said you’d have rather _died_ than kept going, Magnus, it wasn’t about me–”

But Magnus hadn’t heard what Alec had been trying to say, had he? “I was - I was upset, it doesn’t matter what I said–”

“Of course it matt–”

“You should have let me choose you,” Magnus had repeated. “None of this was worth it for me, do you understand? The thought that I lost you, the things I almost did in my agony – the things I _did_ do – how could you not know that I need you, Alexander? You’re everything I–”

“Stop saying that!” 

Magnus hadn’t been expecting him to shout like that. Not so quickly, if at all. Alec could speak aggressively, harshly, but never – never like that. His eyes had looked feral, as though he was fraying at the edges, needing visible effort to keep himself under control.

“I know – I know I hurt you and I’m – I’m not denying it, I’m never going to forgive myself for it. But you – you have to stop lying to me. Stop saying these things. I can’t – I let myself lose sight of how things are, let things get so far because I stupidly believe–” 

“Let _what_ go so far? You couldn’t have done anything and I told you – I told you that it wasn’t your job to try and fix it, that some things can’t be fixed–”

“It’s fixed now,” Alec had said, his words clipped and final. “It’s fixed now, and you have your magic back and if you want me, you still have me and – and I just spent weeks trying to deal with the fact that I’d never–”

Alec had cut himself off, turned away to press the heels of his palms against his eyes. Even now, just the memory of the hitch in Alec’s shallow breaths makes Magnus want to burn down any world that could cause him to be this way. 

Even as Magnus had ached to see him, even as he had pressed himself to Alec’s back and wrapped his arms around him, whispered, “It’s done, it’s done, I love you” – Magnus remembers thinking, _it wasn’t just you, it was me too, you did it to the both of us and you didn’t have to._ Magnus may say thoughtless, uncharitable things given enough incentive, enough bitterness, but even he would never say something so unimaginably cruel. Especially not to Alec. Not when he was so down. Not when Magnus knows that what was driving Alec into making every decision Magnus wished he hadn’t was because he loved Magnus. Not when Alec is the most reckless, selfless person Magnus knows.

Armed with the context of Alec’s actions – context Alec had no plans to ever tell Magnus, because of the things Magnus had said and the things that he didn’t and every single thing in the world that made Alec blind to his own necessity – Magnus wishes he never even had the thought. _I’m sorry I didn’t understand,_ Alec had written over and over. But it was penance for something that was never his due. It’s true that Alec hadn’t understood the one thing Magnus wanted him to. But how could he have? 

_With Alec, it’s different._

Magnus hadn’t understood the full meaning of it either, not until he had to deal with the aftermath. 

-  
-

 

_I didn’t want you to be mundane. Everything I was dealing with, before – it was because I never wanted you to change, to lose anything about yourself. Not for anyone, and definitely not for me. If I wanted that, then it wouldn’t have been a struggle. It wouldn’t have been so hard for me to stomach. But then it happened. It happened, and when I used to think that that’s how life just would be for us – that I couldn’t do anything to change it – I was happy. Because I thought that despite everything, maybe this was the silver lining. That we could grow old together, build a life together. I didn’t realize that that dream was your worst nightmare._

_If we had to go through a list of the things I’d ask forgiveness from you for, I’d be dead before we ever finished it. But not seeing how much you were suffering – that’s the first one I’d have started off with._

-

 

The apartment doesn’t face west so Magnus can’t see the sun set, but he waits in the balcony nonetheless for Alec to come home. Curled up on the chaise with a mostly forgotten glass of wine in his hand, watching the clouds grow pink. A thick layer of calmness has settled over him. It's almost enough to take his mind off the tightness in his chest, the heaviness of his heart.

“Hey, you,” greets Alec, making a beeline toward Magnus. Magnus thought that he would unravel the second he saw Alec’s face, but he doesn’t. The sight of Alec’s contentment is always a comfort – that spark of pleasure in his eyes when they land on Magnus, the smile that’s made soft with affection and the toll of a tiring day. 

Alec sits beside Magnus and kisses him with such warmth that a shiver runs through him, tightens his skin into goosebumps. He says, “Saw you sorted my stuff out there, though I couldn’t tell which was the throw-away pile and which was the keep pile.”

“Since I’m well-known as a callous playboy with no sentiment, the one with the stack of your childhood belongings is obviously the trash pile,” replies Magnus, and Alec huffs out a laugh, kisses him again.

“Callous playboy or not – thanks for doing that, and I’m sorry I kept putting it off even with your twice-a-week reminders.”

“It’s all right,” says Magnus, because in the grand scheme of things this is really nothing. “I had a lot of fun, going through your shadowhunter homework assignments. I particularly enjoyed reading _The Merits of Decentralized Governance for Shadow World Institutes,_ an essay by Alec Lightwood–”

“Oh, God,” groans Alec. 

“Stop that, it was, in all honesty, an engaging read. You had a strong position, well researched. Made me wonder how the Clave never cottoned on to the fact that you’d be a troublemaker as an adult when you were sprouting these radical ideas as a fourteen year-old–”

“This is why we should’ve just thrown everything out. Some things are never meant to see the light of day again–”

“You’re out of your mind if you think I’m not getting that paper framed and mounted on the living room wall,” teases Magnus, and Alec rolls his eyes. There’s faint flush on his cheeks, but he seems more amused than embarrassed. 

But Alec’s words serve as a stark, somber reminder. Some things were never meant to see the light of day, but somehow they do. Magnus can’t delay bringing up what he found any longer. 

Magnus puts down his wine. Just do it, he tells himself. Just do it.

“There was something I came across though that you should know about,” says Magnus, and the beginnings of Alec’s easy, “Okay,” abruptly drops off into silence when he sees Magnus pull out the shoebox from underneath the chaise, following its progress until Magnus gently deposits it onto his lap.

It’s only when Magnus quietly says, “Alexander,” that Alec snaps out of it.

“Oh,” is Alec’s only response. Magnus counts him blink once, twice, five times before he clears his throat, his hand curling around the box so carefully it might as well have been a bomb. Just one wrong step away from detonation. “Did you–”

“Yes,” says Magnus. He doesn’t add, _and I accidentally set one of them on fire because I couldn't control my reaction to them._

Alec closes his eyes. Tightens his hold around his box. To think such an innocuous, ordinary object contains broken pieces of the heart Magnus cherishes beyond all else. 

“Magnus,” Alec starts. Then stops. Then– “This is from a long time ago. I wasn’t in a good place then, you shouldn’t look too deep into it–”

“Alec, please.” 

Magnus may have the strength to bear the weight of everything in those pages Alec had written out, but he doesn’t have the endurance to listen to Alec dismiss himself and the journey that he went through as though it was nothing. The journey Alec might still be going through. There’s very little Magnus trusts about his own judgment right now. 

So naturally Alec is looking at him as though he’s ready to take on any sentence Magnus declares. He hasn’t made a sound and is holding himself perfectly still. He provides no further explanation or elaboration on what Magnus had found, but what else can Magnus ask of him? 

“I know I wasn’t supposed to see that,” says Magnus, and he hopes Alec hears the apology in his voice. “But I did, and I can’t pretend I didn’t and… I have something for you.”

Alec remains stiff, but that's what Magnus expects. This might be a new, completely unforeseen situation but - but it's Alec. Magnus knows him. Knows that his eyes are wary as he watches Magnus reach into his jacket pocket and pull out what he has been working on for the last few hours, smoothing away the creases of the tri-folded pages.

His own words start to blur in front of his eyes, but Magnus wills them back to focus.

“‘Dearest Alexander,’” starts Magnus, and at just the weight of Alec’s name on his tongue has his voice already breaking. “‘It has taken me until this very afternoon to understand that some huge, blinding truths inside of me may not have been clear to you because of a very simple fact: that they remained inside of me. Things I thought you must have known because it’s what my world is built on. And the most significant of those truths, the foundation of my world – the commonality between them both is you. I love you, Alexander. I love you.’”

“Magnus, stop. Stop, you don’t have to do this.”

“‘I wish you had told me,’” Magnus pushes on. “‘I wish you hadn’t been planning on keeping this inside for the rest of–’” 

Alec touches him for the first time since Magnus brought out the box – but it’s to grasp on to Magnus’ wrist and carefully push down the hand holding Magnus’ letter. 

When Magnus looks up at him, Alec looks deeply unsettled.

“Stop,” Alec repeats. His hand is shaking. “Magnus, I’m sorry you had to find – this – but it was a long time ago. It doesn’t matter–”

“It does matter. Alec, you – when you wrote this, you were in a lot of pain.”

There’s no other conclusion to come to when faced with all the things Alec could never bring himself to say: _I didn’t know what it was like to be happy before I met you. I’m starting to understand that you never move on from losing a piece of you. I was never going to be the one you end up with. I’m never going to let myself forget. You saved my life. You’ll move on. I’m sorry I didn’t understand. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorr–_

Magnus had known that Alec loved him. Even when Alec had been the source of the greatest heartbreak Magnus will ever know, Magnus had known – you’re not this selfish, he had said. Alec isn’t selfish. If anything, he is foolishly selfless. And Magnus – Magnus is just foolish, for not having seen it, for not even having thought to ask how Alec had been feeling. 

“Fine,” says Alec, voice tight. “I was having a hard time. I wrote those things because I couldn’t – even though I knew what I did, even though I knew I deserved whatever was coming, and I never once stopped thinking that having you alive and one day happy was worth it–” The words spill out of Alec in a rush, as though he’s trying to outrun them. Get it out, put it behind him – but Magnus already knows that's not going to work. Alec's words are an avalanche, picking up momentum and leaving destruction in Magnus’ heart at its wake. 

“You couldn’t know,” says Alec, “but I couldn’t keep it in. That was it. And after I had you back, everything was fine. None of it mattered.”

Again Alec says it: _it doesn’t matter._

And so Magnus asks, “Why not?”

“What?” Alec is clearly thrown off by the question. “What do you mean why? Because it was done. It _is_ done. We’re together, we’re married, we’re happy–”

“Are you?” Magnus presses. “Are you happy?”

“Of course I am!" Alec looks even more upset now. "By the angel – I thought you read this stuff. You know that the only reason I was – upset, or whatever, back then was because I’d never be with you again and you’d never know how much I didn’t want it, how much I love you. But that's not true anymore–”

“I do know,” says Magnus. He has always known, from the way Alec is with him: generous, careful, sweet, kind. But God – he hadn’t known that it tore at Alec. He hadn’t known that all that sweetness had underneath it something so wild, so desperate. So fundamental. _I won’t lose you,_ Alec had told him once. It had been right there in front of him and even then – even then Magnus hadn’t been able to take it in, to understand what it meant to be the axis Alec’s world turned on, the responsibilities that came with such a position. With such an unearned privilege. _I won’t lose you. I can’t._

But Alec could, and Alec had, because– 

“I do know,” repeats Magnus. “And I know that the only thing that made it–” Magnus stops, at a loss for words because _bearable_ isn’t right, not at all– “possible, possible for you is the thought that I’d move on. That one day I’d be fine.” Magnus stops one more time because this, this is the thing that’s most important to get right– “That that piece of me that I’d lost was irreplaceable, but the piece of me made up by you wasn’t.”

Alec is sitting unnaturally still and in response, Magnus’ feels as though he could vibrate out of his skin. His heart is racing so fiercely in his chest his bones must be rattling with it.

No matter what else Alec tries to dismiss as the past, as having no place or relevance in their present – this is one thing he can’t. He can’t, because after this many years of knowing each other, of loving each other – these shreds of Alec manifested into the physical world has allowed Magnus to understand the reality Alec sees when he looks at Magnus. That’s been building since that day Alec found Magnus’ own box, the one filled with mementos of those he has loved before Alec: _he was a brave soldier, like someone else I know,_ Magnus had said. _The man’s been dead for over a century. I’m immortal, Alec. I don’t have a choice but to move on._

That had been the truth. There was nothing else Magnus could say. And Alec – Magnus recalls one of the stray thoughts Alec had written: _If I wanted you to change for me, then it wouldn’t have been a struggle. It wouldn’t have been so hard for me to stomach._ Alec had understood, but he hadn’t been happy. 

_Every relationship is complicated._

_You’re twisting this into something it’s not,_ and Magnus hadn’t understood what Alec was trying to say. Alec himself hadn’t been able to articulate it. 

But now Magnus knows that what Alec thinks, what Magnus himself had once thought – that’s not true anymore. If it ever even was, and Magnus had just been unable to acknowledge it. Until he had to, and found out he couldn’t.

“It’s been a long time since we talked about this,” says Magnus. “We shouldn’t have let so much time pass. Not when – not when everything’s changed since then.”

“No.” Alec’s voice is thick when he says, “Nothing’s changed, Magnus. We haven’t talked about it because we found a way to move forward.”

“You’re wrong.” Magnus says this bluntly, firmly, no room for negotiation. For the first time tonight, Alec flinches away from him with a sharp noise from deep in his chest. “You’re wrong. I’m still what I am, but what we are – that’s what’s different. You – you’re different.”

Alec shakes his head. “Magnus–”

“No,” says Magnus. “You have to listen to me. You said you wrote all that because you couldn’t keep it in. That it was one thing to have me never know, but it was another to just die with it only ever being a truth inside of you. Don’t – don’t let me have to keep this a truth that just lives inside of me.”

It’s not the same, of course. Alec was willing to have gone on with Magnus never knowing what he was going through. Alec had said, _it’s my issue, I’ll deal with it,_ and Alec had. Alec had dealt with it because to him, it was acceptable to stay silent about his own unhappiness. Maybe he was trying to spare Magnus another argument, didn't think there was a point when they are where they are. 

Magnus isn’t willing to do the same. 

Alec has never once run from a difficult conversation, and yet again, he doesn’t let Magnus down. From the way he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath to steady himself – Magnus knows he doesn’t want to do it. He doesn’t know what Magnus is going to say, but he’s willing to risk hearing it because Magnus needs him to. 

“You’re different,” repeats Magnus. 

With great effort, Alec says, “Everyone’s different.”

“No, you – you’re different in a way that makes everyone else’s different seem the same. Over and over again you kept thinking – you kept writing that I’d get over you and – I won’t, Alexander. I won’t.”

“You don’t have to say that.” Alec looks tense, unhappy. “Magnus – I’m not selfless enough to pretend that it doesn’t bother me that I’ll be in your memory box one day, that I’ll be the person who’s been dead a hundred years. A story for someone else–”

 _“No,”_ interrupts Magnus, because this is exactly what Magnus is trying to explain to him. He reaches for Alec’s hands, grips them tight and says, “I’m saying that that won’t happen. I’m saying – I’m saying that you're a part of me, Alexander. And you're the one that said that you don’t move on from having lost a part of you.”

“That’s not–”

“It _is_ ,” says Magnus fiercely, because it’s unacceptable, it’s unacceptable that Alec is still arguing. “I don’t like thinking about you being gone, because I know how it’s going to be like. I won’t be able to bear it. Not without losing myself. Even if I’m – even if I make it through, I won’t be whole again. I wasn’t whole after losing my mother, I wasn’t after losing Ragnor – and I won’t be after you. So don’t – don’t you break my heart by telling me that I will be. I won’t, Alexander. You thinking you’re small, that you’ll leave a scar instead of – instead of obliterating everything inside of me – what you think isn’t going to change it.”

Alec is silent as he stares at Magnus. He looks pale even underneath the pink glow of dusk, and he’s so lovely that Magnus can’t imagine, can’t imagine there was a time that Alec wasn’t known to him. A time when he had only thought, _hmm, maybe,_ at the sight of him instead of, _You're what happiness is to me._

He is everything to Magnus, and the thought that he may never understand what that means is – it’s not an option. There is no moving forward, not unless it’s with the lasting, unalterable premise that Alec is irreplaceable, indispensable, as necessary to Magnus’ continuing functioning as his blood, his magic, his heart. Not without the understanding that there will be no moving on from Alec. Not for Magnus. Not in whatever moving on had meant for him in the past. 

When Alec speaks, it’s a gutted, whispered, “I never wanted you to be unhappy. I never wanted a promise like this from you.”

“I know.” And that’s another way this is different, isn’t it? Magnus knows that Alec would have given up the only kind of life he’s ever wanted just to give Magnus a fighting chance at happiness. “Please – please read what I wrote for you.” 

Magnus can barely speak. He – he doesn’t know how he can ever prove it to Alec, prove in an undeniable way everything he has just said. He picks up the letter, which had fallen out of his hand and onto the balcony floor. He presses it to Alec’s chest. “Please read this.”

“I don’t have to,” says Alec, and when he finally, finally, takes a hold of Magnus’ face and kisses him – it's untamed, urgent, hungry. Like it’s the most important thing Alec will ever do. “I understand, I understand what you’re saying.” 

And maybe Alec does understand – Alec’s eyes are wide open, frightened, disbelieving, but still – still looking at Magnus with that unerring steadiness that’s at the core of him. 

-

 

The next day, Alec greets Magnus with breakfast and a kiss on the forehead. There’s a folded piece of paper underneath the plate of French toast, Magnus’ name printed on top. 

“And what’s this?” he asks, running his fingertips over the careful, deliberate script.

“I don’t get a lot of letters, but I heard its good etiquette to respond to them,” says Alec and Magnus starts to smile. _Dear Magnus,_ the reply begins. _There are still a lot of things I want to tell you, and I’ll start with the most important ones: good morning, and I love you._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! please feel free to leave a kudo if you enjoyed :D
> 
> I also want to take a brief minute to bring attention to an issue which is very important to me: the current humanitarian crisis in Yemen affecting countless children and families. If it's within your means and abilities, please consider providing help. Some reputable organizations include [Catholic Relief Services](https://support.crs.org/donate/yemen-crisis), [International Rescue Committee](https://help.rescue.org/donate/holiday-giving-yemen?ms=gd_ppc_fy19_eoy_DecemberEOY_dw_181227&initialms=gd_ppc_fy19_eoy_DecemberEOY_dw_181227&gclid=Cj0KCQiAjZLhBRCAARIsAFHWpbFSqehqCbd6EbwVDX9kshKQALviPAozuP2mr5QuTrRCKlF_PIaI_wsaAlQoEALw_wcB#webform-component-donation), [Islamic Relief USA](http://irusa.org/yemen-humanitarian-crisis/) (and [Canada](https://www.islamicreliefcanada.org/appeals/yemen/?source=google&medium=cpc&gclid=Cj0KCQiAjZLhBRCAARIsAFHWpbFJMfdGDVuT9_JyaG8GhU0jyHpbsOOybTJE6ZdV0UxfgMzbVU5TNl0aAie-EALw_wcB)), and [ Oxfam](https://www.oxfam.org/en/emergencies/crisis-yemen). All of these charities have favourable ratings on [Charity Navigator](https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=1904), though I also encourage everyone to do sufficient and appropriate research to feel comfortable with whichever organizations they choose to engage with.


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